First Miss

In the Whole 30 book, it says something to the effect of, “Don’t expect to be perfect. Don’t even try to be perfect. You will not be perfect.” I should go read that again, because I messed up yesterday, with respect to writing. And there are probably other things that I’m messing up as well.

Is there any way to make up for such a mistake? Not really. You can’t go back in time and fix such a mistake. You can try to learn from it, and moving forward, try not to repeat the same mistake. Knowing that you almost certainly will make the mistake going forward. Does that mean it isn’t worth the effort? I mean, was the mistake even that bad? Is missing a day of writing meaningful at all? I mean what’s the big deal – what are you even achieving with this.

There is a lot of self-doubt in my head today. I don’t know how to get away from it all. I wonder if I’ll ever feel sure about anything; I think too much. I can’t sit tight anywhere. Maybe because nothing is perfect. Maybe because I think nothing is perfect.

Urgh who knows what to do. And I’m way too busy. I have no time. It’s all too much. What happened to the optimism, the positivity. I need to unplug, I think. It’s the only way to try to hit that reset button, hard as it is. I don’t know what happened to me; age I guess. The youth and invincibility have faded. That’s what happens close to 32 I guess. Kind of insane how that happens. The path seems like it will be a slow burnout rather than going out in a fiery and stunning blast.

I wonder what I can do to affect this path. The rut of it all; I got caught in the rat race. I always knew it was there, and I still got caught in it. Even running away to travel for a while is a beautiful experience, but you cannot do that forever. You just can’t do it forever. So how do you build a sustainable life outside of the rat race. The answer seems to be money. But that seems like a trick answer. That IS the rat race. And even with money there are questions to answer. Maybe it’s just detachment.

That’s why I need to do this meditation. Detachment. I need to be intentional about my attachments. I don’t know what I want anymore. I need time to figure it out.

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