Forgiveness

I haven’t done this in a while. My first reaction is to be self-deprecating, to rip on myself for “failing” my goal. But it would be nice to treat myself as a friend or lover, in how I would instead pay attention and listen and not even forgive, but just not care at all. Things happen, it’s not the end of the world, it doesn’t matter what mistakes you made, but how you choose to move forward, and whether you choose to learn and grow from this mistake.

Thing is I don’t know if I have the capacity to learn and grow from every mistake or missed goal. I set a lot of goals, there are a lot of things I try to accomplish, and a lot of the time I miss.

It’s crazy, the world is far too demanding nowadays. What the heck happened? It wasn’t so long ago I was a little kid, I’d often get lost in my own head, noodling around on thoughts and made-up stories. I’d often just doodle, or work with my hands, or even just look around and stare at things. There wasn’t such a pressure to do, do, do, to accomplish so much. To judge the quality of my own existence by how many things I check off a to-do list. There was simply the act of existing.

Ain’t no daily meditation going to fix that; that’s a lifestyle change, if I think that’s an important form of living that I’d like to return to.

It just feels impossible. Everything is forward, everything moves forward so quickly, at such a ridiculous pace, that if I don’t move forward there is a fear that I’ll be left behind.

The fear of being left behind… what even is that? It seems rooted in comparison. Is it too easy to compare nowadays? Life online is quickly becoming a series of binary decisions… I swipe right, I like that, I close that, I open that, I ignore that… there are SO many decisions of preference being made nowadays.

To not have preferences. As always, and obviously at least for me, that’s going to bring up Buddhist concepts of detachment and observation.

But still, I want to CARE. I want to have a massive capacity to care. I want to care about everything. To care is to feel so alive.

Is there a way to solve this paradox, between wanting to care yet not wanting to express a preference, immediately, regarding every single thing I encounter? Perhaps I should, in a very disciplined way, select only a subset of things to care about? No – that is in itself the expression of a preference.

The other way would be to love everything. To only have ONE expression of preference, which is to love, as default. I do not like or dislike your Instagram photo, because I love every photo. I love every piece of the life I get the gift of experiencing.

Then I get to care, and yet I never have to judge.

Outpour was a lifestyle, when I built it. I lived this life, where I got to care, and I got to only love. I wish there were a way for me to do this on a daily basis; to get to express love and joy in a small way, just so I could feel those feelings, the feeling of swelling love and joy in the body, leaving no room at all for hate, or judgement.

Meditation is the removal of the bad; it is cleansing. But we need something that grows the good, that blooms the flowers.

It often seems like the world is fracturing, but there are still opportunities to touch people in ways that bloom flowers, and I know that can heal the world.

For a while I felt like that was my life calling. Money, that most exalted and weird and fucked up and crazy philosophy of the world, halted that dream.

Today, altruism is like art; because it doesn’t necessarily have a capital return, it needs patrons – usually people who have built businesses or made money in ways that are on the opposite end of the spectrum of altruism of art.

That’s not the way it should work. That’s so messed up.

Everything we humans do is a choice. We’re on this earth and we have needs that take up resources. We also have resources that replenish. There’s got to be a way to find balance. Clearly we have too many humans and therefore we have resource constraints and therefore it is very logical to believe that technological and industrial progress is good, and capitalism has proven to be the best system to drive technological and industrial progress.

People need to have more of a choice about the way that they live. Right now there is no choice. You are born with no resources and you must acquire them, and there is not enough of the resources for you simply to have them.

Step 1, bloom the flowers. Step 2, give people the choice to plant their flowers in the garden of their choosing.

The digital world, perhaps that can be infinite. Perhaps those resources can be expansionary instead of shrink.

And again, as often happens, we end on the conclusion that the Matrix will be our reality.

 

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